~jokes~
A MAN MEETS A GENIE
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
THE VOICE
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
OLD WOMAN WHO HAS A BABY
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."
TEN YEARS WITHOUT PAROLE
A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.
Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of. Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.
His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
> > >>Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
> > >>
> > >>Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
>your
> > >>picture and the problem disappears.
> > >>
> > >>Wife: You see,how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
> > >>
> > >>Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem
>can
> > >>there be greater than this one?"
> > >>_________________________________________________
> > >>
> > >>Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
>and
> > >>lighten your burden.
> > >>
> > >>Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
> > >>troubles.
> > >>
> > >>Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
> > >>
> > >>_____________________________________________________________
> > >>
> > >>Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with
> > >>Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
> > >>
> > >>Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
> > >>
> > >>Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
> > >>
> > >>_____________________________________________________________
> > >>
> > >>A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
> > >>father hadn't left me a fortune?"
> > >>
> > >>"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER
>WHO
> > >>LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
> > >>_____________________________________________________________
> > >>
> > >>Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
> > >>
> > >>Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
> > >>
> > >>_____________________________________________________________
> > >>
> > >>Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
> > >>millionaire?"
> > >>
> > >>Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
> > >>
> > >>Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some
> > >>woman. What were you before you married her?"
> > >>
> > >>Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
> > >>
> > >>_____________________________________________________________
> > >>
> > >>Stress Reliever Girl to her boy: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
> > >>
> > >>The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
> > >>
> > >>_____________________________________________________________
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Stress Reliever A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me
>-
> > >>my pretty face or my body?"
> > >>
> > >>He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
> > >>humour."
> > >>
> >
> >>**************************************************************************
>*
> > >>
> > >>Gujju.... bhai..
> > >>
> > >>An (Bahraini) Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for
>a
> > >>heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store
> > >>his blood in case need arises.
> > >>
> > >>As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found
>locally.
> > >>So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally a Gujarati was
> > >>located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly
>donated
> > >>his blood for the Arab.
> > >>
> > >>After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as
> > >>appreciation for giving
> > >>his blood, a new Hummer, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a
>million
> > >>US dollars.
> > >>
> > >>Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor
> > >>telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood
>again.
> > >>
> > >>After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card
> > >>and a jar of Almond Halwa sweets. The Gujarati was shocked to see that
> > >>the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati' s kind gesture as
>he
> > >>had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed
> > >>his appreciation in not so generous manner.
> > >>
> > >>The Arab replied "Bapu.....now I have Gujju blood in my veins!"
> > >>
> >
> >>************************************************************************
> > >>
> > >>Little Johnny was talking to his teacher about whales. The teacher
>said
>it
> > >>was physically impossible for
> > >>a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large
>mammal
> > >>its throat was very small.
> > >>
> > >>Little Johnny stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated,
>the
> > >>teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
> > >>physically impossible.
> > >>
> > >>Little Johnny said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
> > >>
> > >>Little Johnny replied, "Then you ask him".
> > >>
> > >>==================================================================
> > >>
> > >>A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
>they
> > >>were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's
>work.
> > >>
> > >>As she got to one Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked
>what
> > >>the drawing was.
> > >>
> > >>Little Johnny replied, "I'm drawing God."
> > >>
> > >>The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
> > >>
> > >>Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing, Little Johnny
> > >>replied, "They will in a minute."
> > >>
> > >>=================================================================
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>One
> > >>day Little Johnny was sitting and watching his mother do the dishes at
>the
> > >>kitchen sink. He suddenly noticed that his mother had several strands
>of
> > >>white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
> > >>
> > >>He looked at his mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
> > >>hairs white, Mom?"
> > >>
> > >>His mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
>make
> > >>me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
> > >>
> > >>Little Johnny thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
> > >>"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
> > >>
> > >>==================================================================
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
> > >>persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
> > >>
> > >>"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown
>up
> > >>and say, 'There's
> > >>Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
> > >>
> > >>Little Johnny's voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's
>the
> > >>teacher, She's dead."
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>=================================================================
> > >>
> > >>A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
>to
> > >>make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
>the
> > >>blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
>face.."
> > >>
> > >>"Yes," the class said.
> > >>
> > >>"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
>position
> > >>the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
> > >>
> > >>Little Johnny shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
> > >>
> > >>=================================================================
> > >>
> > >>The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
> > >>school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large
> > >>pile of apples.
> > >>
> > >>The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God
>is
> > >>watching."
> > >>
> > >>Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
>a
> > >>large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
> > >>
> > >>A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the
> > >>apples.
> > >>
> > >>================================================================
> > >>
A SARDAR went 2 a BANK to open a S.B. A/C.
After seeing the Form He had gone to DELHI for
Filling up. U knows y?
FORM said " FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".
A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered
huge Loss.
Do u know what the business was? . . . . .
He opened a Saloon in Punjab!.
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after
Every 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.
Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r
others running?
SARDARS WENT 4A FILM.ON ASKING THEM Y THEY CAME
IN A BIG GROUP OF 19? THEY REPLIED THAT THE FILM WAS
ONLY FOR ABOVE 18...
Srdr gets ready ,wears tie, coat ,goes out, climbs
tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why
he does this.
Srdr:"I've been promoted as branch manager."
Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open
mouth................. WHY?
because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should
be light"_-=
Sardarji was filling up application form for a job.
He was not sure as to
what
to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote : Yes!
SARDAR & FAMILY GO 2 A PARTY. HE INTRODUCES HIMSELF
- I SARDAR,SHE
SARDARNEE,
THE BOY MY KID & THE GIRL MY KIDNEY....
SARDAR & FAMILY GO 2 A PARTY. HE INTRODUCES HIMSELF
- I SARDAR,SHE
SARDARNEE,
THE BOY MY KID & THE GIRL MY KIDNEY....
Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It"s already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.
Santa! Your daughter has died!
Depressed, Sardar jumps from 100th floor
At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!
At 25flr:I'm unmarried!
At 10flr:I'm Banta not santa
ON A ROMANTIC DATE SARDARS GIRL FRIEND ASKS
HIM,DARLING ON OUR ENGAGEMENT WILL U GIVE ME A RING?
HE SAID YA SURE WHATS YOUR PHONE NUMBER
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult
question ever - What will come first, Chicken or
egg?
O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.
A dog was chasing a Sardar and the Sardar was
laughing.
A bystander: why are u laughing?
Sardar: I have a Air cell phone but still hutch
network is following me.
Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket.
Dealer gave 11 cr after deducting tax.
Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs
back.!
A teacher told all students in a class to write an
essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one Sardarji.He wrote
"DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"
Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This
Packet Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u
could have posted it....
What does a sardar do after taking a xerox?
He will compare it with the original for any
spelling mistakes.
Sardar proposed a Girl......Girl said 'I'm 1yr elder
to you'...........
Sardar said 'Oye No Problem Soniye,I'll marry you
NEXT YEAR.
WHY CANT SARDARS DIAL NINE-ELEVEN (911) AT
EMERGENCY?
** THEY CAN NOT FIND THE ELEVEN ON THE PHONE.
Sardar & his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Sardar says... Drink quickly......
Wife asks why...
sardar says hot coffee Rs5 and cold coffee Rs10
Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die lik my
grandpa
who died peacefuly in his sleep not screamin like
all d passengers in d car he was driving..
Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible
looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing 2 my 6 yr old son, he can't
read very fast.
Sardar news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a
graveyard
in punjab . Local sardars have so far found 500
bodies and are still digging for more..
A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes
walking at evening not in the morning. Sardarji
replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
Man
says CHIN YU YAN n dies.
Srdr goes2 china 2 find meaning of friends last
words.
It is 'U R STANDNG ON OXYGEN TUBE!"
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with
his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing ?
He said-im seeing how i look while sleeping.
> > > >The 21st Century.. How true is this???
> > > >
> > > > Our communication - Wireless
> > > >
> > > > Our dress - Topless
> > > >
> > > > Our telephone - Cordless
> > > >
> > > > Our cooking - Fireless
> > > >
> > > > Our youth - Jobless
> > > >
> > > > Our religion - Creedless
> > > >
> > > > Our food - Fatless
> > > >
> > > > Our faith - GODless
> > > >
> > > > Our labour - Effortless
> > > >
> > > > Our conduct - Worthless
> > > >
> > > > Our relation -Loveless
> > > >
> > > > Our attitude - Careless
> > > >
> > > > Our feelings - Heartless
> > > >
> > > > Our politics - Clueless
> > > >
> > > > Our education - Valueless
> > > >
> > > > Our follies - Countless
> > > >
> > > > Our arguments - Baseless
> > > >
> > > > Our boss - Brainless
> > > >
> > > > Our Job - Thankless
> > > >
> > > > Our Salary - Very less
